i’m lovin’ it

Did I ever tell you my aunt invented glow-in-the-dark toothpaste?

No. What is she – some kind of scientist or something?

That’s the amazing part. She hardly got through high school. She just loves messing with chemicals and stuff she buys on the internet and one day, like out of nowhere, she came up with “EverGlow Pro” right there in her kitchen.

Wow! I didn’t even know that shit existed.

BACON, EGG & CHEESE BISCUIT, ONE EXTRA MAPLE SYRUP, GOLDEN HASH BROWNS – MEDIUM, STRAWBERRY PEPPERMINT SHAKE – LARGE.  ANYTHING ELSE? FINE. DRIVE TO THE FIRST WINDOW TO PAY THE CASHIER PLEASE.

And she had a friend who worked at Procter and Gamble in Greensboro and they loved the concept and now I guess she’s, like, a millionaire or something.  She’s got a spa in her backyard and drives a brand new German car.

No kidding – your aunt? That’s impressive. But it also shows there’s no justice in this country anymore. My father invented the triple-bladed shaving razor and he still drives a fifteen-year-old pickup, and our house is basically a dump.

Your dad? The triple-bladed razor? You’re kidding me. That’s amazing. What happened? Did somebody steal his idea?

A DOUBLE ORDER OF SAUSAGE BURRITOS, GILROY GARLIC FRIES – LARGE, ONE GRIDDLE CAKE, ONE LARGE COFFEE. CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE TODAY, SIR? THEN YOU’RE GOOD TO GO. PROCEED TO THE NEXT WINDOW, PLEASE.

Yeah – the Gillette people. Never paid him a cent, And they never gave him any credit neither. They cheated him good Gillette did.

Get outa here. You’re talking about the Gillette Mach III? Your dad invented the Mach III and never got paid for it?

EXTRA NAPKINS? SURE. ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

Not a penny.

I didn’t know he worked for them?

PREMIUM BUTTERMILK CRISPY CHICKEN SANDWICH, EGG WHITE DELIGHT MCMUFFIN – MEAL, LARGE MANGO PINEAPPLE SMOOTHIE, SAUSAGE GRAVY & BISCUIT, LARGE ORDER OF FRIES, LARGE COKE WITH MINIMUM ICE.

He didn’t, but he was the first person to realize that if two blades were better than one then three would be better than two.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Dad’s always thinking about philosophical stuff like that. And when the triple-blade idea hit him, like kerboom, in the middle of the night, he just jumped up out of bed and went right down to our garage and started working on it – tearing up old razors and glueing them together again until he had the ultimate shaving tool. It took him six weeks to get it right and when he was done he dropped his prototype into an envelope and sent it off to Gillette even though Mom pleaded with him to get a patent first.

YOU TOO, MISS. HAVE A NICE DAY.

She was right. You gotta have a patent. He should have listened to her?

That’s the way he is – one stubborn son-of-a-bitch. And of course when Gillette found out he didn’t have the patent they went right out and got one themselves and refused to share the profits with Dad. Wouldn’t even answer his calls or emails. Bastards.

He must be a genius, your father – coming up with something revolutionary like that. Being first and all.

I HAVE YOUR BBQ RANCH BURGER READY TO GO, BUT FRIES WITHOUT SALT ARE GOING TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES EXTRA. IS THAT OKAY?

Thank you. Dad would appreciate hearing that.

But you kinda have to wonder why Gillette couldn’t have figured that out for themselves? How did your dad know he was really the first?  

Hey dude, are you calling my father a liar?

No, just wondering. But if I was him I wouldn’t give up so easy. I’d just keep adding blades till there’s no patent. You know, beat Gillette at there own game. I bet there’s no patent for, like, a dozen blades.

ENJOY YOUR MEAL. HAVE A NICE DAY!

You think you’re funny, don’t you, Mr. Sarcastic. You’re just jealous cause nobody in your family except for that aunt, who maybe isn’t really your aunt –  what do I know –  never did nothing great and your dad works at Mcdonald’s.

But we do too.

Yeah, but we’re still young and got our whole lives ahead of us. Did I ever tell you that my grandfather, Ernest Roberts, was a secret service agent on that day in Dallas with John F Kennedy?

Never heard of him.

Chipotle BBQ, Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Hot Mustard, Spicy Buffalo, Sweet Chili, Sweet & Sour, Tangy BBQ. You can choose any two of these with your Chicken McNuggets  Meal, Sir.

Well, no, you wouldn’t’ve. He was just an ordinary Joe who put his life on the line for our country. He wasn’t famous.  

I never heard of that other guy either.

Kiss my ass. John F Kennedy? You never heard of John F Kennedy?

Maybe  . . .  the name sounds kinda familiar. Like, he was an actor or something?

THAT’S A VERY CUTE DOG YOU GOT IN THERE LADY.  IS THAT A HE OR A SHE? WELL, TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER. HAVE A NICE DAY AND COME BACK AND SEE US SOON.

You’re joking. He was the president. The fucking President, man! And my grandfather was with him when he was shot in Dallas. My grandfather helped carry JFK into the hospital, dude.  

The shooting thing kinda rings a bell  . . .  I might’ve seen the movie . . .  but honestly I don’t find that to be all that impressive.

Because you don’t know shit-all about history. Show some respect, dude. In my family Grandpa Ernest is a hero.

Yes, Mamm. Adults can order Happy Meals. What toy would you prefer? Excellent choice. That’ll be $3.29.

Relax. That’s great! I’m happy for you. Do you know who PewDiePie is?

That guy on YouTube. What about him?

Well then you know who Marzia is?

No. Why should I?

Marzia is PewDiePie’s girlfriend, who also happens to have a huge following and I bumped into her when those guys were in Los Angeles –  in a market and I didn’t know what to say so I asked her for her autograph.

YES. YOU GOT IT RIGHT. BREAKFAST SERVED 24/7. WHAT’S YOUR PLEASURE TODAY?

It felt kind of stupid, but what are you going to do in a situation like that? It was, after all, Marzia.

And you consider that to be something important. Something comparable to my grandfather’s bravery. You’re bragging about getting some stupid youtuber’s girlfriend’s autograph.

Well you started it.  

I started it? Didn’t you just, like, tell me your phoney aunt invented radioactive toothpaste. Is that not bragging?

One Steak, Egg & cheese Bagel plus one Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddle. That comes to $8.99.  Will you be having something to drink with that?

I didn’t say it was radioactive. The word is phosphorescent and if you’re so smart you should know what that means.

Well it’s nothing for you to brag about, anyway.

What about my mother?

What about her?

My mother is an adult film actress, dude.

So what? My little sister is a child film actress –  she’s in the Olive Garden TV commercial – or maybe you’re the only one in this town who doesn’t know that.

YES, WE’RE RUNNING A TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SPECIAL ON THE CHICKEN RANCH SNACK WRAP. WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR CHICKEN CRISPY OR GRILLED?

You don’t get it do you. Being an adult film actress doesn’t refer to the actor’s age – it means doing nasty stuff. Porn, dude. Your sister doesn’t do that I believe.

Hey, asshole, are you suggesting my little sister should do porn?

No, but there are some significant  nuances here, including the fact that the Olive Garden commercial is only shown locally. It’s not on national TV. My mother’s stuff is distributed internationally and all over the world – you get it?

ENJOY YOUR DEAL.

Hey, did you just tell a customer to ‘Enjoy her deal’?

Sure did. She ordered the two-for-one. I was being creative.

Watch it or you’ll get creatively fired. Anyway, who cares about your friggin’ mom. At the end of the day what matters is what you or I have done personally, ourselves, in the flesh – not some relative. The big question is in what way you and I are making this world a better place to live in?

I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?

I asked you first.

Then you answer first.

No, that’s not the way it works. After you, dude.

Okay. For your information I’ve started a rock band.

Get off it – you can’t even play an instrument.

I’m working on it. Now it’s your turn.

DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE – MEAL, DOUBLE FILET-O-FISH – MEAL, GRILLED ONION CHEDDAR, BACON MCDOUBLE, SAUSAGE MCGRIDDLES – MEAL, FIVE COKES – LARGE, THREE MCFLURRYS – REGULAR SIZE, ONE, MEDIUM CHOCOLATE CHIP FRAPPE. WILL THAT BE ALL FOR YOU TODAY? WELCOME TO THE NEXT WINDOW.

You’re not gonna like this, but I’ve already started a rock band of my own.

You stole my idea.

No, because my band already has a Facebook page. Does your band have a Facebook page?

Facebook is so ancient, dude. We’re on Snap.  

What’s your band called then?

The Eagles.

You just made that up, and for your information some old dudes already have that name.

Eagles it’s just our nickname. Our real name is Fart of the Eagle, only our fans call us The Eagles for short.

Making a better world with Fart of the Eagle?

Making the world a better place was your idea, but we’re doing the best we can.

THOSE ARE VERY CUTE KIDS YOU GOT IN THERE LADY. TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM, ENJOY YOUR MEALS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

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