The Little Finger Code

He taught me to avoid farting in elevators even if I was the only person in there at the time since you can never be sure when someone else might join you.

That was good advice. What else did he teach you?

He said I should learn to use my left hand more often because who knows when we might lose our right one.

Was that, like, some kind of metaphor, or something?

I don’t know. But I have been brushing my teeth and combing my hair with my left hand ever since, and I’m convinced it’s made me a more balanced person.

Interesting. My dad never taught me stuff like that. My dad taught me how to burp and how to wax a car. Your dad must have been really smart.

I guess so.

More?

Well, it was through dad that I learned about the little finger code.

The what?

The little finger code, duh. He explained how women want to be attractive and sexy in general, you know, they want to look good for the world, which is why you can never take for granted that a woman’s sexually alluring presence is a personal invitation to have sex with her.

How are you supposed to get laid if you can’t take it for granted that women want you?

Well, that’s where the little finger code comes in.

What in the hell is the little finger code?

Hey man, don’t play dumb. Don’t tell me you don’t know the little finger code – when a woman slightly wiggles the pinky on her left hand? Are you from outer space or something? When she gives you that sign you are in like Flynn.

No man, I never heard of the little finger code, but I can tell you straight off it doesn’t exist.

Well, then that is just another one of those important things your dad neglected to teach you. You have been missing out on a lot of action due to that omission in your upbringing.

I can’t believe I’m hearing this. So, in your world, the only way to know if a woman has the hots for you is if she wiggles her little finger?

That’s right, Dude. The little finger of her left hand. It’s a subtle sign, you have to know to look for it.

But if she doesn’t wiggle her pinky? Then she’s not game? That’s so imbecilic.

Call it what you like, but it’s a fact of life. If she doesn’t show you the code she’s simply not interested.

Okay, so, let’s say, for example, that a very juicy item is sunbathing all alone in a public park. And let’s say she has on a super sexy bikini – not your everyday bathing attire, mind you, and perhaps she has even removed her top, and she is lying there on her towel on the grass pretending to read a book.

How do you know she’s only pretending?

Because I’ve been there, done it. I know what I’m talking about … and when you walk by and grab her attention –

How do you grab her attention if she is reading or, according to you, just pretending, to read a book?

By singing loudly something really cool, like Novacane.

Frank Ocean?

Yeah. And she looks up from the book, which means she wants you to go over and start talking to her, and you know you are about to get lucky – you are about to score. Only now you are telling me that unless she wiggles her little finger, I am just supposed to walk on by like this bitch was a statue or a recycling bin. That is so ridiculous.

Well if she doesn’t do the little finger code you shouldn’t bother her. You really should walk on by and respect her privacy.

So, just out of curiosity, how often have women shown you the little finger code?

Now and then.

Yeah? Like how much now and then?

It doesn’t happen that often. Once or twice.

Once or twice a day? Once or twice a year?

Once or twice.

Hey, you know what? I was under the impression that your dad was a pretty smart guy, but this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. There is no little finger code and there never has been. Maybe you should have asked your mother about it.

Dad said that the little finger code was feministically implicit.

What the fuck does that mean?

That women will never talk openly about it. And besides, my mother would have just told me my dad was full of it. She always said dad was dumber than dog shit.

Which just goes to show that sometimes we should listen to our mothers.

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