The Dorito Store

Look at those idiots lining up like that.

You’re just jealous ’cause you can’t afford one.

Man, I can afford one. I can afford two. I’m just so sick of iHype. Like, they’ve been camping out on the street all night … Hey, you know what I am going to do?

You are probably going to embarrass us by shouting something offensive to those people. Something like, “Our time on earth is limited, folks — get a life!”

No, I’m not going to shout anything. I’m going to open my own snob store. I’m gonna open a super snazzy Dorito Store right next door to their iShit store. Put them out of business maybe.

Uh huh?

Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

That makes sense.

Yeah. And my Dorito Store is going to employ Dorito geniuses that are so cool they’re going to make their Apple geniuses look like toadstools.

Their geniuses already look like toadstools.

Yeah, well my geniuses are gonna be hot, foxy chicas, like what’s-her-name in Modern Family or that one in Earl.

Cool. But what are your chica geniuses going to do? Are they going to answer questions about the nutritional value of Doritos?

When wise-asses like yourself come in and ask about the nutritional value of Doritos my chica geniuses are going make ’em wish they had kept their mouths shut. My chica geniuses are going to make short work of all that nutritional organic bullshit and help our patrons find the Dorito flavor suited to their personality and intellect. There are a 102 flavors to choose from, you know.

Are your genius chicas going to be able to name all the 157 chemical substances in a Doritos chip or just the three natural ingredients?

Doritos Store customers aren’t going care about any 157 chemical substances, though they might appreciate knowing that there is just as much science behind our chips as there is in the iShit.

And the calories?

Calories? Calories are energy, buddy. Calories are like the octane in gas. No octane in your gas and you don’t go anywhere. No calories in your food and you, like, die. It’s not calories that make us fat — it’s lack of purpose. By the way, how many calories are those bozos burning standing in line there? Like, approximately zero? How many calories do they burn playing with their iShit all day? Like, approximately zero!

Yeah, but they’re having fun.

Because they’re masochists. Are you familiar with Steve Jobs’ law?

No.

Jobs’ law states that anything Apple produces should decrease in value by 50% every 18 weeks. So let those retards have their fun, because those toys they’re fingering are value-wise literally self-destructing in their hands.

But everything depreciates in value.

Wrong! Once you account for inflation, a 60-year-old bag of Doritos is actually worth as much today as when it was first sold.

Wow! Don’t Doritos ever go bad?

No. They stay fresh forever. In another 50 years that same bag will still be just as valuable, while the iShit sold now? Debris in some landfill.

So far I think the chica geniuses are your best move. But they’d be crazy to work for you.

Some will see them as crazy. You may see them as crazy. But I will see them as the geniuses they are, because those of us who are crazy enough to think that we can change the world are the ones who do.

Well spoken.

Thank you. It’s for the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes that my Doritos store will be there. The Doritos store will be for those who see things differently. And there will be no rules. My customers will not be fond of rules.

Who is?

Except for one: when you come in the store you check your iShit at the door. And no iShit dogma will be allowed on the premises.

What dogma is that?

Dogma that let’s the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner hunger.

Your hunger for Doritos?

Yes, dummkopf, for Doritos — as both a delicious snack and a metaphor for life itself. A reward for people having the courage to follow their heart and intuition.

Hey dude, you’re gonna scare off customers with all that philosophical crap. I thought you were gonna sell Doritos.

We are. Doritos and wisdom. You see, your heart and your intuition somehow already know what you truly want to become and what you truly want to eat. Everything else is secondary. You got to think for yourself.

Yeah.

Think different!

Sure.

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