Safe in the Air

brad pitt


Hey, guess what? Brad Pitt is on this airplane.

No way, are you sure?

Yeah, I just saw him through the curtain. They brought him on after everyone else had boarded.

Wow — was she with him?

I didn’t see her. I just saw him. It was Brad, no mistake, believe me.

Your seat belt isn’t fastened.

Right. I feel a lot safer now.


I feel a lot safer knowing Brad is on the plane, even if she isn’t. Brad’s enough.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it will keep ’em on their toes.

Oh, come on. Keep who on their toes? The crew?

Yeah, and the ground people and the traffic controllers in the tower and everyone else concerned with this flight.

You think the entire airport knows that Brad is on this plane?

Word spreads fast about that sort of thing. They know. Look around you. What is everybody talkin’ about right now? I’m not the only one who saw him.

Do you seriously believe that whoever is flying this plane is going to be more careful because of Brad? Like, the people in the cockpit don’t have their own lives to look after? Their own families to consider?

Of course those lives and families are in our favor. I would certainly never go on a pilotless plane. But Brad being with us still makes a difference. Nobody wants to lose Brad.

You know what you’re saying, don’t you? You’re saying that there is no equality — even in friggin’ airline safety.

I thought that was obvious. And besides America is not about being equal — it’s about having equal opportunity. We all had the opportunity to be Brad. He just got that Pringles’ TV commercial break and the rest of us didn’t. I can accept that, even if you can’t.

Hey man, I didn’t have that opportunity — I’m five foot two, remember!

You had the opportunity to be Danny Devito.

I’m two inches taller than Danny Devito.

There you go. You had more than an equal opportunity and you didn’t take advantage of it. And now you’re blaming the system.

Equal opportunity is bullshit. You are not going get that Pringles’ TV commercial break if you live in some place where they don’t have Pringles — or they don’t make TV commercials. And how many Danny Devitos does the world need, anyway?

You have a point there.

Besides, there is no equal opportunity if you’re born naturally fucked up, or your parents are, or any one of all kinds of shit. And even if it is your own fault, even if you screwed up all your opportunities — you still deserve to be treated equally.

Dream on, Dude. What’s the point of success if it doesn’t get you better service, better doctors, better lawyers, etcetera, etcetera and etcetera.

That’s just not fair.

Nothing’s fair. But we’ve got nothing to complain about at the moment since we’re on the same plane with Brad. That guarantees us equal treatment in one very important respect.

Die one – die all?

Yepp, you got it. We are all in the same boat here.


Boat — plane, whatever. You want to be in the same place with the Brads of the world whenever you can — which in normal circumstances is next to impossible for guys like us. Brad being on this flight is an anomaly. His own jet must have a flat tire or something.

My flight entertainment thing isn’t working.

Sociologists call it proximity. You want to be in the proximity of those people. That’s where there’s better housing and better food, cleaner air, less crime and the booze is always free. Do you grasp the irony in that? Those who can afford all the liquor in the world never have to pay for it — Diageo and the others send them cases . . .

My flight entertainment must be broken.

But the entire system is setup to keep you out of the proximity. There is no room there for all of us. Too many people get in there and the boat sinks, you see. That’s why they put up fences.

Walled gardens of prosperity . . .

Exactly. They gate us out. Yet still a lot of idiots think they’re in the proximity when they buy the shit those people endorse, when the proximity of a store shelf is all they’re getting.

Brad Pitt endorses Heineken. I don’t see why Diageo would send him liquor. They’re competitors.

As if that matters . . .

Do you think that if this plane was to do a crash landing in the ocean and they got those life rafts inflated and . . .

Are you kidding? If we go down — we sink. There is no other outcome.

Miracle on the Hudson?

Yeah, one in a million event there. Did you know they gassed half the Canadian Goose population of New York after that crash?

I’m OK with that if they were just Canadians.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

My question is: If there was limited space in the life raft, do you really think Brad would get priority?

If I was in charge he sure would. The life raft would have a better chance of getting picked up if Brad was in it. They’d have every plane in the northern hemisphere out there looking for you. And when they landed us somewhere and we walked out of the helicopter in front of all the reporters and photographers, Angelina would be there. And after giving Brad a big hug and a kiss, we would all get at least a hug, being fellow survivors, and as fellow survivors we would later all get invited to their home for a survival party.

Then we would really be in the proximity.

Yes, that would put us in the proximity in a big way.


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