It’s a Jewish Conspiracy

It’s a Jewish conspiracy — that’s what it is.

Oh, no, not again. You and your conspiracy theories . . . do we have to?

Who said anything about a theory? This is factual. This is real.

Sure . . .

Conspiracies exist, my friend, even if you don’t want to know about them. Everywhere around you people are ganging up and making pacts, planning shit to further their own causes. You don’t want to hear about all that because it threatens your sense of normality, which is the faulty foundation for your sense of security . . .

Yada, yada, yada . . .

. . . which is erroneously based on your naïve assumption that everything and everybody is what and who they appear to be.

I don’t think you should be shouting out about a Jewish conspiracy seeing as how we are on Fairfax here . . .

Hey man, I’m expounding — not shouting. And anybody in this bar is welcome to join in on this discussion. I’m not antisemitic, if that’s what you’re getting at. I dated Jewish girls all through high school.

That’s because they had the biggest tits.

Hey, Dude. Watch it! That’s racism! That is a racist statement.


Because you equated a physical trait with a race. That’s a no-no.

Like equating Afro-Americans and Sickle Cell?

No, that’s scientific.That’s different. That’s OK.

But any talk about blacks and big dicks . . .

Racist . . .

Or that the Jews are smarter than everyone else?

Definitely racist . . . and not true.

Oh, really? Haven’t Jews won, like, 70% of all the Nobel prizes?

Well, I don’t know about that figure, and if you go out on the net and look that up, you’re going to find yourself on sites run by either nazis, lunatic islamists, or the Ku Klux Klan  . . . but as for Jews being the smartest race? — it’s just not true. Sure they’re a lot smarter than us Micks, but they don’t hold a candle to the orientals. The Chinese have the highest IQ’s of all the primates.

And that’s not racist?

No, it’s racial biology — which is a science.

Yeah, and so is phrenology.

Listen, do you want to hear about this Jewish conspiracy or not?

No, I don’t want to hear about it.

Fine, but has it possibly escaped your notice that there is an odd group of actors playing romantic leads today when they shouldn’t be?

Yes, it’s escaped my notice. Why shouldn’t they be?

They shouldn’t, because they look like schmucks. They are not attractive in the wildest stretch of the word, and despite this, they are being cast to play lover-boy types who bowl over utterly gorgeous women.

You’re saying that an actor can’t play a romantic role unless he looks like Matt Damon or George Clooney? How fair is that? Should looks stop a really good actor from playing any role he chooses?

Not fair? You think? I’ll tell you about not fair. Ask the ladies, bro. Ask the actresses about what the odds are of getting a juicy romantic role once you’ve passed, say, 30, while Clint and Redford and Woody can do heartthrob shit in their seventies. If it’s fairness you want to promote, start in the ladies department.

But that is just a reflection of the way things are in society. A woman is more dependent on her looks than a man is. Men have other . . .

What did I just hear you say? Now you’re talking sexist, man. Racist — sexist — sexist — racist. You don’t know what leg to stand on, do you? What I’m saying is, that if you pay 15 bucks to see a movie . . .

Or you download it for free on the net.

. . . or you download it for free on the internet and risk going to jail or something, you deserve good-looking actors — unless of course it’s just a lot of assholes shooting at each other, but other than that, no matter what their sex, it’s our right as consumers to be shown beautiful people. Good acting has its place but most of all we want to see aesthetically pleasing faces and bodies.

That males are not subject to the same tough criteria as females, that’s the background for your conspiracy?

No, are you paying any attention at all? I’m talking about a Jewish conspiracy, not a male conspiracy. Reflect upon how those actors look?

I don’t know how they look. I don’t even know what actors you’re talking about.

Those unlikely leading men — that’s who I am talking about. These archetypically Jewish-looking  guys.


How about Ben Stiller? Adam Sandler? Seth Rogen?

Hey man, I don’t keep track of everybody who is Jewish and who isn’t.

It’s not who is Jewish and who isn’t that matters. This is about who looks Jewish.


Because the conspiracy is about changing the standards of good looks, changing the aesthetic mindset of America. Corrupting the prevalent homosapien scorecard of attractiveness. You get it now?

No, I don’t get it. Those dudes you named are comedians.

That’s irrelevant. This is about a conspiracy to replace our Rock Hudsons and Clark Gables with their Adrian Brodys and Jason Schwartzmans. Contorting our natural born concept of who’s good looking and who isn’t. Savvy?

And they’re all fat — and getting fatter.

What? No, they’re not all fat. I didn’t say they were all fat. Why would you throw that in?

Because, just some months ago in this very same bar you told me that the fast-food lobby would underwrite with seven-figure sums any major film that showed obesity in a positive light.

I said that? Well then I’m sure it’s true. But it has nothing to do with the Jewish conspiracy I’m talking about now.

Hey, a lot of the people around us are listening in on this conversation. You could speak a little softer.

It was a free country last time I checked.

You don’t have to talk even louder for that . . . So you are claiming that this is organized subversion? There is a purpose behind it?

Of course. And it’s working. Can you imagine in the fifties, if they had cast, like, Jeff Goldblum or Steve Carell as the Marlboro Man? People would have cracked up laughing and the brand would have been dead meat. But today? Jack Black or Sacha Baron Cohen could be the Marlboro Man and nobody would bat an eye.

Well if it’s a conspiracy, somebody is organizing it, right? Who’s behind this if it’s not the fast-food lobby? Is it the actors? So they can get women?

Are you kidding? They get all the women they could ever want on account of their being famous. They don’t need any help. Christ, famous animals can get women.

Then who is organizing this conspiracy?

The producers, stupid. The studio bigwigs. The Hollywood cartel. They’re all in on it together.

But they just want to make money. If they can make more money with Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, why would they bother with your guys? If there is a conspiracy then there has to be a reason for it — a payoff. That’s what you’ve always said.

Exactly. There has to be a motive and a payoff. And here it is: They’re doing it for their sons. They are doing it so that Jewish kids can score more easily.

That’s ridiculous.

You think? In the America which we grew up in, all these guys who are big shot moneymen in Hollywood today — they were just schmucky looking boozos and the hot girls treated them like the plague. They couldn’t get laid to save their lives and it stunted their emotional growth. So now they are masterminding a paradigm shift in aesthetic values. They want to turn the tables in favor of their offspring. It’s classic old testament stuff: The son’s conquests will revenge the father.

Don’t look now, but I think the guy in the next booth is writing down our conversation.

Good. Let the truth be known. And anyway, it’s just a passing thing. It won’t last.


The Chinese! Like I told you, they’re smarter than the Jews and they’re even uglier to start with. In a few years they’ll own all the studios and control the industry.

And then?

And then they will launch their own stars, and the mandarin look will dominate the world. Slanted eyes, flat noses and combustible acne will be the new standard for our women to swoon for.

A Chinese conspiracy?

Maybe more like the inevitable march of time, bro.

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